Hello to all my weird little lovelies!
I’m coming to you live from my living room couch. My sciatic nerve has been giving me trouble recently and today was the day my back decided it’s had enough and gave out on me. I’ve been in immense amounts of pain and trying to rest for days now, but it just hasn’t been enough.
I have a couple invisible illnesses that wreak havoc on my everyday life. I have fibromyalgia, dysautonomia, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), endometriosis, PMDD (premenstrual dysphoria disorder), ADHD, autism, and anxiety. All of these things make my everyday life very hard to live. I’m constantly in pain. I hate it when the doctors ask me what my pain level is on a scale from 1-10 because I don’t know the answer they’re looking for. My pain sits at a 5 constantly that’s my normal. So, it seems like I’m faking it when I tell the doctors my pain is at a 7 but I’m not screaming and writhing in pain like a “normal” person would be if their pain was at a 7. I’ve lived my whole life not being believed when I’ve said I’m in pain. It’s almost cost me my life several times.
These illnesses have made it hard for me to hold a job, to have hobbies and friends, and hard on my relationships both romantic and familial. I constantly feel like a burden, and like maybe everyone would be better off if I just wasn’t around anymore. It’s a really hard thing to live with, knowing that you’ll need constant support for the rest of your life and not being able to do anything about it.
The invisibility of these issues is the biggest problem. If people could physically see these things like you see a broken leg or a scrape, I’d probably not be judged as harshly, or told that I look fine so why can’t I function like everyone else does. Even the programs that are out there to help people like me won’t help because “it’s not bad enough.”
I try so hard to find the good in everything, to not be negative because that just fosters negativity to appear in other aspects of my life where it doesn’t need to be, but some days it’s hard to see the good. It’s hard to find the silver lining and remember that I am blessed. That’s where writing comes in.
My characters go through some of the same struggles as me, the same emotions, because I want others out there that know how these things feel to be represented and know that they aren’t alone. If a fictional character can be going through the same things as them and come out stronger and get through it then so can they. My characters, despite being fictional, are real people. They hurt they make mistakes, they learn from them, there’s consequences. Everything they go through I try to write it like it’s real, like it’s happening to me.
I’ve been hyper fixated on writing the past couple days while I’ve been trying to rest, which has been a blessing and a curse. I like writing when I’m in pain because it’s a distraction and I can use the pain and the way I’m feeling to add to my characters, but I’ve been so focused that’s it’s taken me out of reality enough that I’ve neglected my husband.
I work night shifts and my husband works day shifts so our schedules don’t match up except on my days off which aren’t the ones he has off. Our time is very limited and I made the mistake of taking that for granted. He wanted to spend time with me and said he did, but I was so hyper fixated on writing that I practically ignored him and our one day we had to spend together flew by and we ended up not spending any time together at all.
It’s hard to realize what’s going on until after it’s happened and I have time to reflect. Living with invisible illnesses and mental illnesses is so hard, and I know that so many of us are forced to do it. I know how hard it is to feel the way we do constantly and to be able to live a life we are proud of is a challenge too.
Know that I see you, that you’re doing a good job, that you’re doing the best you can and it’s enough, that YOU are enough, you’re not a burden, you matter, you’re loved and most of all this isn’t your fault!
Keep going, keep living, keep being the best you can be!!!
Stay weird, Shaydey babies ❤
-Rashell
Rashell Shayde 